God Less

Crucified on a crucifix

The crux of the matter, it’s just two sticks

A cross? Makes me cross. Drains believers of thought

He died! They cried. He broke rules, got caught

A rebel? Perhaps. For good? That too

But not so different from me or from you

Died for us! They shout, that’s the story they push

Along with healing, and rising and a burning bush

I thought fire was the Devils thing, with brimstone and heat

Not the son of god, soft robes, sandaled feet

But an idea caught on, and as is the way

Those seeking power, seized the day

Nurture a myth from story to fact

Twist it, turn it, watch the flock react

Bend it, work it, then let it unfold

The sheep do the rest, and now, behold!

GOD…that’s his dad, no wait, he’s ours too

Ooh, nice addition for Corinthians 2

Adapt and change the faithful will follow

Give hope through prayer, but keep control through their sorrow

It is nonsense, of course, lie upon lie

Religions horror ignored, in its name millions die

But what do I know, perhaps I’m mistaken

And come end of days I’m to be forsaken,

As none of us chose this life that we live

Yet the scriptures demand all there is we can give

Follow his rules and he might let you in

Yet surely being human is already a sin

An impossible task, hence my dismay

If created, well then he made us this way

To suffer and toil yet praise with bowed head

Or suffer some more after we’re dead

So here’s the thing, my fate, it does seal,

I wouldn’t worship a monster even if he was real.

 

2016. In Progress

So, as any self respecting white collar business professional (see also middle aged underachieving self loathing husk of a person in a dead end job) will tell you, we’re now into Q2 of 2016 after successfully navigating Q1.

Note: The Q refers to quarter, the number refers to the specific quarter of the year. Successfully navigating literally means still being alive.

For many, 2015 was the year of hate. Wars started or continued, bombs went off in public places, people got shot, countries threatened each other, presidential candidates in the US were, and not since the early 20th century has this happened, publicly celebrated for their bigoted and racist views, North  Korea fired missiles into the sea (wasteful if you asked me) and generally everyone started turning feral.

So, 2016 couldn’t come quick enough. When a world is sliding rapidly towards self destruction, there’s nothing better than an arbitrary date value preceded by a 12 hour drinking session in conjunction with a dangerously mismanaged firework display to put the brakes on it and get everyone promising to be nice again. As well as stop smoking, exercise and ease up on the internet porn.

So, here we are, a quarter of the way through the year (another arbitrary measurement of time to be honest but stick with me) and I thought  we’d take a quick look at how it’s going.

…

So, I’ve had a quick look. It’s not great news. Everything that happened in 2015 has happened again in Q1 of 2016. In fact, it’s almost like someone challenged themselves with condensing a shitty year into three months just to see if it would fit. Like when you force feed a wing clipped duck with suet or mistake a magic 8 ball for anal beads.

I wanted to include pictures, but, seriously, none of them are appropriate. We really are off our tits on anger juice right now. So here’s a picture of a sunset.

BT are…

UK Exam Question:

Running standard non-fibre broadband using a HomeHub 3 from BT, you find the WiFi signal keeps dropping, the unit forgets it’s own admin password and blames the user forcing them to do a reset, the broadband connection drops up to 10 times a day and devices appear connected but aren’t.

Question:

BT are…

a. A f**king disgrace.

b. Worthy of a NATO airstrike

c. An example of everything that’s wrong with the world

The examiner should mark all answers as completely correct. If not, they’ve managed to go through life without dealing with BT and are truly blessed.

Trending Terror

Firstly, what happened in Belgium this week is horrific. What happens when bombs land on hospitals in Syria is horrific. What we do to each other in the name of money, resources, land, religion…horrific.

Now, that’s out of the way. I’m perplexed and a little uneasy about the aftermath of horrific acts of violence.

This.

Or this.

Or indeed, this.

President Obama highlighted last year (in relation to gun attacks in the US but the point is the same) the routine response to acts of abhorrent violence. He pointed out that people pray, hold vigils, politicians voice their dismay or their disgust, the world ‘mourns’ although that’s figurative and quite broad, because in reality, those involved or affected do, the rest of us just consume what we’re shown or told. We’re then told we’re showing solidarity, so I guess we are…if the newspapers say so. And then, we just go back to the start and wait to do it all over again. He’s right.

So my specific point here relates to a relatively new aspect of this whole process. The online cartoon. I don’t recall seeing one after the attacks in New York in 2001 or the attacks in London in 2005. Certainly didn’t see any while half the world was bombing the crap out of Iraq and Afghanistan. But more recently, we saw one after the Charlie Hebdo attacks, which made some sense perhaps as that is indeed a satirical magazine with cartoonists directly involved. Then, another after the Paris attacks this year and yes, it was a good one, it was clever, it was creative and above all it did tug at the heart strings at the time.

But I can’t help look at the news today and feel a little bit uncomfortable at the plethora of quick-draws dotting our digital landscape. It’s as though people out there are doodling away just waiting for a disaster on which they can pin their creation and, dare I say it, jump on the bandwagon that is our new and wholly inappropriate way of handling these events; through social media and general media driven propaganda.

I’m not saying these people don’t care. Not at all. I don’t know them, these are just examples. But there’s just something “Too soon” about it. It feels contrived, it feels selfish, it feels like disaster no longer just creates opportunity for the faceless corporations or governments that likely caused it in the first place, it’s now an opportunity for the individual as well.

This is a vicious circle we find ourselves in. The world we have today is of our own making and that is a world of greed and intolerance and violence and hate yet we are viewing it through our screens and through social media like we are watching a new episode of The Truman Show when in fact we’re watching something much closer to a real and very deadly global episode of Hunger Games.

But don’t worry, as long as you overlay’d your Facebook profile with the current ‘trending’ background image you’re a good person and it’s all fine.

Obama was right. We’re numb to it now. We watch it, we shake our heads, some pray (pointlessly selfish), some get angry (pointlessly pointless), some write blogs (pointlessly worthy as nobody reads them anyway) and some spot a chance to make a name for themselves with a suitably poignant sketch because right now, that’s trending and trending is where the money and fame is at.

 

 

 

 

 

Global Risk

Nations tend to have their own risk register which is based on potential impact on themselves or their own interests. That’s normal. It covers things like security, healthcare, crime, severe weather, the usual. There is however a global list, where the global community come together to assess and manage the risk of things like a regional or global war, a significant meteor strike, massive earthquake and tsunami or a major global terrorist attack that appear from time to time.

Right now, sitting proudly in the top 10 global risk list is this man:

He’s above (that means considered higher risk) than a military clash involving China in the South China Sea, the UK leaving the European Union or a total collapse in the Oil market. He’s also ranked significantly higher than all of the ones I mentioned above…

He’s actually level pegging on points (what a guy!) with the risk of increased Jihadi terrorism, which is ironic, because those two should almost certainly be directly linked to each other.

The only things that are considered of greater risk are a total collapse in the global economy, the break-up of the European Union and a new full-scale Cold War with Russia.

And again, when you look at those you can’t help but find yourself thinking that one quite possibly leads directly to the other.

The top 10 list includes the names of countries (China, Russia, UK) and reference to groups (ISIS or the EU for example). It contains just one individual. And that is Donald Trump.

If that isn’t enough to piss off the likes of Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un or Bashar Al Assad I don’t know what is. They don’t get a mention. They’ll probably up the ante just to get above him in the list!

So the question is, and this question goes out to citizens of the USA first, but the rest of the world should listen up…What the hell are you thinking America?

The Film Critic

Like many of you out there, I take a quick glance at IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes if I’m trawling through Netflix or Amazon Instant Video or the like, trying to find something to entertain me because I’ve somehow lost the ability to do anything useful or creative with my own time.

IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes are treasure troves of wannabe film critics. A veritable goldmine of overly long verbal brain dumps that, if read, would ultimately lead you to never having the time to actually watch another film ever again. You’d also realise half the time people are rating something high or low just because they don’t like the current rating everyone else has given it. It’s as if they are some kind of Movie Yoda, bringing balance to the scores.

So recently I wondered why I still check them and it occurred to me that I don’t really care too much about the detail. All I care about is the rating itself. It sets my expectations and thus my enjoyment of the film will be all the more acceptable.

Ok, so I know RT uses percentage and IMDB using a 10 point system but I’m sure you can figure out where to put the decimal point. Anyway my process works something like this.

6.0

This is the minimum score for any film. If the film scores less than this there is a very good chance you’re about to watch Home Alone 3 or anything by Paul Anderson (Think Resident Evil Retribution, Alien vs Predator or Mortal Kombat)

6.5

That’s the starting point for any comedy (romantic or otherwise) that stars or guests Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler or Jennifer Aniston. This is a good baseline to set yourself as well as it means you generally never have to watch anything with any of them in it.

7.0

That’s the required minimum score for any film involving Jason Statham or The Rock. I’ve not seen too many of those obviously. It’s also where I’ll start on action movies in general. This is because most people will give a film a score of 7 if enough shit blows up and someone with an impressive physique gets their kit off. So it’s a win win score really.

8.0

That is the minimum score I’ll consider for anything remotely non-action based. The concept behind this is that if it’s not an action movie then it’s going to need great music, scenery and some serious narrative. It’s also going to have to carry a plot that stands up to some proper scrutiny because my brain isn’t being deceived by massive explosions and wholly unrealistic car chases or bedroom gymnastics.

9.0

In fairness, Netflix and the like are pretty thin on the ground once you enter the 9+ rating. Think Shawshank Redemption or The Godfather. But, fewer films makes things easier, although 9 is also a very deceptive score. The problem with films that have a rating above 9 is that the people that like them…really like them, in fact they love them and as we all know, love is blind. On top of all that, human beings are a curious bunch. Even people that think a film is just okay, will then give something like The Godfather Part II a big thumbs up and top score  because it’s just not cool to not think it’s the best film since…err…The Godfather.

10.0

There isn’t a single 10 score on IMDB. I’m actually glad about that because 10 would suggest perfection and as we all know, perfection is a destination you reach at your peril. It’s the edge of the world, there’s nowhere left to go. RT on the other hand has a plethora of 10s (100%, in case your were struggling) and these concern me because similarly to scores above 9.0 people seem unable to be subjective in their absolute adoration. When you do inadvertently slip into a reviewers verbal unleashing it’s like a never ending acceptance speech at the Golden Globes only you’re the one left crying.

And so. Finally. To my review. Yes, this was my fist attempt at a film review, apologies it took so long, got sidetracked a little there.

Deadpool

10/10 (100%)

It’s basically like someone stuck a USB cable in me as I slept and downloaded my mind. It’s 108 minutes that breaks down like this (Spoiler Alert):

Anger
Sex
More Anger
FIGHT!
Sex
FIGHT!
Sex
HERO FIGHT!
WTF!?
Sex
FIGHT FIGHT!
Sex Fight WTF!?
HERO FIGHT!
Everyone’s dead.
End.

If you don’t like this film your eyes are on back to front or you were probably dropped as a baby.

And that my friends, is how you write a film review.

Next time, we’ll cover TV show reviews as they’re a whole different bag of carrots.

 

 

 

Virtually Real Life

Virtual Reality. It’s been a long time in the making. Like most new tech, it’s been around for a while without anybody really paying too much attention. And of course, like most new tech, it has sometimes sort of worked…ish for quite a while without ever living up to the hype.

But it would appear that Virtual Reality is now about to become an actual reality and is due to arrive in our stores and therefore our living rooms very soon indeed.

So put down that iPad, switch off that phone or Kindle, mute the TV. Now you can avoid all levels of normal healthy human interaction and not have to catch even occasional glimpses of the other members of your family in your peripheral vision.

Welcome to the future of one. You.

Like anyone is actually reading this…

Spot the difference

One is a mass murderer. The other is still in the planning stages.

One is in prison for his crimes. The other is still in the planning stages.

One destroyed peoples lives. The other is still in the planning stages.

One is a grotesque, vile racist monster. The other is a Norwegian.

Tuesday

We need to revisit the way we use time. It no longer just constrains us in our ability to do things, go places, complete tasks. It also impacts us emotionally.

For most people reading this, Tuesday is actually the February of the week. It is neither the beginning or end of anything, nor is it an enjoyable part of any journey. It’s just in the way. It’s a blocker day.

It doesn’t offer the glimmer of the weekend to come in the way that a Thursday or Friday does (Thursday and Friday are like May and June – Northern Hemisphere…) and it doesn’t have the wistful suggestiveness of progress like Wednesday (Wednesday is like the first mild spring day in April, as you notice the snowdrops, bluebells and daffodils reminding you that it’s okay, summer is coming).

Actually, when you think about it, Monday gets terrible reviews, but Monday is like January. Sure it’s cold, seems too long and you’ve put on weight, but then again the recent enjoyable memories linger in your mind and carry you through it. But to where? To Tuesday. Still cold, still fat, nothing to look forward to and now all you can remember is that yesterday was Monday.

Tuesday. You suck.

 

 

The Horsemen

The rain was the bitter tears of those who searched the field of war

The cold a stark reminder of what had come before

The darkness all-consuming like the rage of desperate men

And four horsemen came riding, through village, town and glen

 

The end though, is not nigh, nor this our final play

For light wins as the earth spins to bring another day

The clatter of hooves a metaphor that tells the human tale

Of all attempts to be much more, yet all are sure to fail

 

The dead, now a memory, an ache held deep inside

The living spin yarns of glory, to celebrate those who died

The fields are worked once more by boys now grown to men

And four horsemen will come riding, through village, town and glen

 

Through hills and valleys, above the clouds, foreign lands so hard to reach

Across mighty seas and oceans, upon a sandy beach

If history teaches anything to those with an open mind

There are no lessons that can change the nature of our kind

 

And so we look to the future, yet written is our story

For in the end, we are condemned to failure without glory

The sword is truly mightier, though how we wish it were the pen

And four horsemen wait to ride once more through village, town and glen.